Category Archives: Essays

Extra! Extra! Pavlov’s dogs bite iPod’s children

Please reach into the gray matter that functions as the human hard drive to recall the Russian psychologist Ivan Pavlov who discovered that he could condition dogs to drool with just the little ring-a-ding ding of a bell.

Now consider point, click and drag media; the media we scan at our desks between tasks; the music we pipe into our ears; the magazines and newspapers we flip through while waiting. We;re hungry for media, hungry as hounds. We want it strong! We want it raw! We want it now!

Melodramatic? Perhaps. But consider that media are not simply enjoyable experiences. Media are an industry that packages thoughts and emotions. Words embody of ideas. Sounds, pictures and images provoke emotional responses. Media products feed human aspirations and desires just as surely as food fill our bellies.

And that makes me wonder: are we conditioning ourselves to be drooling idiots, hooked on short but continuous fixes of profit-making pre-packaged thought or emotion?

Continue reading

Wooden Teeth Part 4: Lessons learned

tn_wooden teeth.jpg

(Returning Readers: On Thursday I married my typsetting business partner in a big, fat Greek wedding. First time visitors: this story began Monday.)

I’m not sure when I told my wife that I wanted to pull out of the Barter Bank paper. We had no time to talk before the wedding, what with all the feasting and preparations. As it was my wife had been 45 minutes late for the ceremony which had set off a buzzing in the church. The Sunday morning after the wedding was our last party. Surrounded by the immediate family we opened gifts in my mother-in-law’s living room as my wife’s aunts — my new Theas — explained the genealogy of each and every dish and towel. Perhaps we talked during the long drive home. Hundreds of empty miles separate Sacramento from Eureke. There’s plenty of time to stare out the window and think. But it was clear that I had been bilked, and that if we didn’t disentangle ourselves from this scheme we’d put our new typesetting business and our reputations at risk.

When we got back to Eureka I sought out Rama at his apartment and told him we were finished with him. Its a long time ago and my memory of the particulars is dim. I don’t think he protested much, almost like he expected it. He tried to get the papers that I had printed but I refused. If he wanted them he could give us our money back. Otherwise we had produced the paper and paid for the printing. As far as I was concerned they were ours. I think I eventually threw them out.

I saw Rama one more time. A few weeks later in mid December, when Eureka gets wet and cold, he sought me out at our live/work loft. I wouldn’t let him in as I recall. We talked on the sidewalk. He offered to sell me the other half of the NorthCoast Journal and Barter Bank for $250. I laughed. He was obviously looking to skip town but I had no intention of giving him another nickle to help him “manifest.” I last saw him walking down to 5th Street, which is what Highway 101 is called as it cuts North through town. I’ve always imagined that he went looking for the Bhagwan. I didn’t begrudge him any happiness he might be able to find. He was just a wet and pathetic creature wrapped in orange. I wasn’t angry at him. In fact by then I’d even gotten over being angry at myself. I just chalked the whole thing up to experience.

My wife and I heard from Rama once more during the 10 years we lived and worked in Eureka. It was around 1988 or 1989. I can’t recall any more specifically. By then we had already produced a few local books and publications. My wife and I had bought, and were living on, a piece of land that we still own.

In the letter Rama asked our forgiveness, as I recall, and also talked about how much he missed the beautiful Redwoods. That last part alarmed me as I took it to me he planned to return and I made it my business to track down the return address — which turned out to be a federal prison someone in Tennessee.

In 1990, my wife and I — by that time we had one child — left Humboldt County so I could attend graduate school in journalism at Columbia University. We were following another one of my angsts. What would’ve happened if I’d done the sensible thing 10 years prior and gotten a newspaper job? I’ll never forget what one of my professors told me when I arrived at Columbia, disoriented at being back in the city and back in school, and worried about the prospects of finding a job. His name was Dick Blood. He had been a New York Daily News editor back in the day, a tall imperious man with silver hair and bushy eyebrows. He told me in essence, not to worry. That I was probably already successful. At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant but I found it reassuring.

And I eventually did find a job, in San Francisco, where I like to joke that I’ve spent 15 years as an ill-tempered reporter for a middling metropolitan daily. For most of that time I’ve covered Silicon Valley. I’ve followed Apple through various of its gyrations, witnessed the birth of the World Wide Web, saw the rise and meteroic fall of Netscape, and dozens of other dramas. Four of those years I followed the evolving mystery that is biotechnology.

In that time I’ve covered big businesses and large characters, not silly little ones like those of my Eureka days. But the common thread I see in my personal experience and these larger events is the predominance of failure and the glory of perserverance. In Silicon Valley failure is no shame. At least not honest failure, the idea that sounded plausible but just didn’t pan out. There’s a metaphor that goes back to the Gold Rush. California was born of boom and bust and grandiose dreams. It’s in the nature of Californians to try and fail and sometimes come back again. Steve Jobs is the poster child in this regard. I met him during the dark days when his NeXT Computer was floundering. Now the world is at his feet. Most people only see the success. I’ve caught glimpses of the struggle.

I dwell on this to put my own shortcomings into perspective. Even my foolishness in buying half-interest in a newspaper from a man with wooden teeth pales in comparison to to the dot.com debacle. How many people got sucked into that insanity? People with suits and tassled shoes, with MBAs and leather briefcases that buckle on the side. And what of the thousands and millions of people were were lulled into thinking that the stock market would keep going up, up, up, and never had to come down?

So I’m no longer so ashamed of this episode as to keep it buried. I made a mistake. I corrected it. And I moved my life forward. And I learned from the experience, going back to my move to Eureka in the first place. That I don’t regret in the slightest. To this day we have great friends and great memories and a wonderful place in a circle of Redwoods where my heart yearns to be. Perhaps the only real error I made was in giving up on the idea of starting the community paper. Yes, I was ignorant of local conditions when I first arrived and the whole notion was an exercise in arrogance. But I wouldn’t have remained ignorant long, and I’ve seen passionate effort succeed against long odds. That’s been one of the privileges of being a Silicon Valley reporter.

And if it’s sometimes difficult to distinguish between a dream and a self-delusion, I don’t find that particularly troubling. Either way I need some goal beyond simply living day to day, and the only difference between the two may be in the outcome, which is beyond anyone’s control. So maybe my real error way back then was to squander the invincibility of my youth. Because, since then, I’ve seen that all the belief and effort in the world can’t guarantee success. But the perverse opposite is true. Once you see youself as beaten, you’re done. Finished. Kaput.

So even if it seems self-delusional at times, all you can do is hang onto your dreams, put forth your best effort and improve your odds by trying. If the plan is well-conceived; if the circumstances favorable; if your karma is good; who knows, you may even manifest.

Wooden Teeth Part 3: My Big Fat Greek Wedding

tn_wooden teeth.jpg

(Returning Readers: Stuff happened yesterday and I couldn’t write. I resume today, on the drive from Eureka to Sacramento in order to marry my typsetting business partner. First time visitors: this story began Monday).

As I recall, my wife-to-be had flown from Eureka to Sacramento a day or two ahead of me to get fitted for her wedding dress, and wasn’t around when I picked up the first issue of the NorthCoast Journal and Barter Bank and threw it into the trunk of my car — along with my misgivings about this second attempt at community publishing.

With her literallly out of the picture for a moment, this would be a convenient place to explain why you hear so little from or about my silent partner. In the first place this is my blog. If she wants to tell this or any other tale she can start her own. Secondly, this entire escapade was my fault. She was then young and impressionable and trusted me (I think the passage of time has cured that naivete). Finally, she was reluctant to get hitched and would’ve preferred to shack up. I argued that, as we were in business together, we ought to marry as it would provide clear case law to divide the property should we ever part. She eventually argreed to marry but imposed a condition — that she keep her own name. I iconviently nterpret this to mean that she is the keeper of her own persona and not my prose fodder.

But I think it’s fair to say, and no violation of anyone’s privacy, that both she and I have unusual logic patterns, and during the long drive south on Highway 101 — through the tall trees and windy mountain passes, past the spindly oaks of Willits, east on Highway 20 along the silvery Clear Lake and south on the fast highways into the lights of Sacramento — I was wondering how to break the news to my poor, suffering darling that I had blown it once again and pissed away what little money we had left getting us into bed with a con man. Because, unless I’m mistaken in this belief, to her mind the deal with Rama had been a ray of hope. She never wanted to quit our original quest because her one concern — clearly expressed before she agreed to join me in the original move from Berkeley to Eureka — was that she not get stuck being a typesetter.

As she saw it therefore, co-publishing with Rama offered her — the person who had to pound away at the keys and do most of the work — the comfort of believing she was not simply stuck in the job she had specifically not wanted to do. But even after I reached Sacramento there was no chance to discuss any of this because I was immediately swept up into the great big bosom of her Greek family, and the raucous embrace of that wild tribe of Brooklyn-born Italiian-Americans from whence I had issued forth.

I can only share scattered images of the four days of celebration that followed. There was the Thanksgiving table that groaned under the weight of turkeys and hams, black olives and feta cheese, and the butter-soaked Greek delicacies I could never stomach, like baklava. The wine flowed freely and fueled the loud conversations of the two families being folded together here who met for the first time to discover that they shared the most important value, a love of family itself, in addition to a particular fondness for the progeny each was contrubuting to this relationship.

My immediate family — mom and dad (since deceased) and my five younger brothers and sisters, flew out for the event, plus my one living grandmother, Tessie, my mother’s mother, who was also Greek, a fact that delighted my in-laws-to be. But I don’t want to mislead you about the character of my family. We were Abates. We were Brooklyn Italians. We were in your face, table-pounding, and opinionated — usually at volumes more befiting an opera hall than a living room. But did love them! For them, it was not just a wedding. It was a visit to California (as Easterners they had only no grasp of the bigness of the state, and the differences between north and the south, and the fact that Sacramento was in the central valley farm zone; I think they half-expected to see beaches). We drove to the Golden Gate Bridge and shivered in the fog while we snapped pictures. I remember one sweet moment when I walked with my brothers and sisters down to a bend in the American River, which flows clear and fast not far from my mother-in-law’s home. They’re all grown up and married themselves now, with families, but this was so long ago they were kids, most of them, and they marveled that something so fresh and beautiful could run through a city.

As for my wife’s family, I had already met her mom, the matriarch, Yia Yia (grandmother) Dimitra, her sweet and numerous aunts (called Theas in Greek) and uncle (Theo George), not to mention her older sister (who took me aside at one point in the midst of all this celebration to warn me that if I ever hurt her sister, she would come after me.) This sort of family I could understand and love, but what I had no idea until the ceremony and reception was just how large this family was. The wedding day itself had some funny moments. But for now I’ll just say that the entire Greek community of Sacramento must have turned out the Saturday afternoon we were married because the wooden pews on both sides of the aisles were filled. I realized later that they weren’t alone. Though I wasn’t able to see this as I walked down the aisle — incense nung in the air like a smoke screen and not much light filtered through the stained-glass — a large cohort of my friends were also present because my wife had secretly invited some of my Navy buddies, some crazy Irish high-school buddies who had migrated out to California, a crop of our student newspaper buddies, and of course my lifelong friend, Cousin Charles.

All of these friends I only got to meet after the ceremony, which was long and bewildering as it was conducted entirely in Greek. Indeed, to this day I’m not covinced that I am married, because no one ever asked me if I do. My sister-in-law just walked around the altar three times, then held a white halo over my head. The priest (who had a beard suspiciously like Rama’s) said some words in Greek then waved the brass incense holder at me as if I were a bug he wanted to drive away. And then it was time to meet the rest of family; the Thea who had drawn water from the well not far from the place where YiaYia Dimtra was born; the Theo who was her son, and had gone to school with one of my wife’s Theas. My cheek was pinched. My head was patted. I’m surprised no one went for my package to make sure I had the gear to do my part in producing the offspring that were clearly expected. I must’ve met 400 people that night. I never got to spend much time with any of my friends but they didn’t seem to mind. It was a wild party, with Greek dancing in a big hall filled with laughter and voices. And then it was over, and my new extended family loaded the wedding gifts into waiting cars, and a couple of them carried my passed-out Cousin Charles onto the top of the last load. Someone put one of the Cow Lillies from the table settings in his hands as a joke. He snored through it, oblivious.

And I realized that night that I was not the fool who had twice now failed as a community newspaper publisher. Yes, I had been foolish in two instances, but who doesn’t do foolish things. No, I was the man who all these people loved, and whom they expected to do the right thing, as much it was within my ability to do, now and forever after. And I knew exactly what that was. I only had to do it. (to be concluded).

Wooden Teeth Part 2: We don’t need no stinking due diligence

tn_wooden teeth.jpg

(Yesterday I explained how I moved to the Northern Californian town of Eureka to start a community newspaper, only to realize the foolishness of attempting this when I knew next to nothing about the community. I ended that chapter with the decision to open a typesetting shop as a fallback plan — which allowed the man with wooden teeth to find me.)

My ego was just beginning to recover by the time that Rama Bhagwhan showed up at our typesetting shop. We had decided to operate out of the front parlor of our Victorian flat to save money the live-work way. Rama explained that he had only started the Barter Bank newspaper a few weeks earlier and wasn’t satisfied with the look of the first issue. This conversation occurred sometime in October 1980 although the passage of time has erased my memory of the specifics. But I recall that I was floored by the fact that this improbable character had perservered where I, the former campus newspaper editor, had quailed. This is no excuse. It is simply an explanation for an incredible lapse of judgement. For though I did not then know that Rama Bhagwan had wooden teeth, every visible clue screamed flim flam.
Continue reading

The time I bought half-interest in a newspaper from a guy with wooden teeth

tn_wooden teeth.jpg

For some time I’ve been pontificating about new media from the relative security of a day job. It occurs to me that the reasonable reader might ask: who does this guy think he is?

Well, who I am is a story more than 50 years in the making, but the distilled version is that I am ABD from the University of Trial and Error — a perfect example of which is the embarrassingly true tale of the time I bought half-interest in a newspaper from a guy with wooden teeth.
Continue reading